And the pieces come together

"My soul is dying every day I work here." I closed the car door and wanted to burst into tears... again. No, I can't do this in the parking lot. I can't let them see me like this. As I drove away, I wondered "Why do I let these people have SO much power over me?" People can't MAKE you feel certain ways unless you give them the power to do it. WHY was I letting them in? I just want to retire right now!

I've been struggling the last 4 years. The last 18 months have been unrelenting. When I hired Coach, 4 years ago, I told her I had a very stressful job. I wanted triathlon to be my outlet - challenging but, fun. At the time, my management was a straight shooting, chew your ass kind. It was tough but, I always knew what was expected and that it was always what the customer needed. But, everyone grows weary of having their ass handed to them on a weekly basis. I struggled with whether leaving the company was the answer but, I am very much in a niche position. I loved parts of what I did and there was the promise of a leadership role with our overseas group.

18 months ago, the management and direction totally changed. Not only did I NOT get the more challenging role, those of us in the group actually got sidelined. Instead of working towards what the customer needed and wanted, we were left guessing what management wanted - which could change daily. Micromanaging your people is a sure fire way to kill creativity. I put in only the effort that they specifically asked for. It became increasingly hostile on both sides. This effected all parts of my life, especially triathlon. When you push yourself to go into work every day at a place you hate, it's hard to make yourself do those tough runs or get to the pool for 5:45am masters.

At the same time, I knew I needed to cut back on training. I needed to do short course but, even shorter. Just do Aquabike. That would leave me with enough grit to get the fun AND shitty things done. But, I found that I was still struggling. 

By January, it was clear that I needed to go. But where? Do what? I put out some resumes but, there wasn't anything that really sparked my interest.

Coach put out a reading list on her blog.

• I started with Relentless by Tim Grover. If you really want something, then no excuses. Figure out what you need to do to make it happen. No way was I going to be relentless at THIS place. But yes. My happiest days were when I was unfettered and could do what I knew needed to be done.
• Next, Mindset by Carol Dweck. I definitely align myself with having a growth mindset. But, one of the things I'd recently done was to completely ignore some new methods from some one JUST BECAUSE HE WAS THE YOUNG UPSTART. No! This is not me. Work is changing and whether I get booted or not, I want to take advantage of what the new kid has to teach me. 
• Icing on the cake was No Regrets by Apolo Ohno. Don't think this was on her reading list but, she talked about it in a podcast. All I can say is - yes. This made so much sense all the way through. Be the best that YOU can be. 

As I drove away from work, I realized that I was not being true to myself. While I don't like to be micromanaged (and rebel against it), I don't want to stop respecting the person looking back at me in the mirror. I need to continue to give my best effort whether any one appreciates it or not. It is for me. Not for any one else. 


I also asked myself,
[Grown-up Me] What will happen on that magical day called Retirement?
[Me] Well, then I can start doing all the things I want to do.
[Grown-up Me] Really? Like what?
[Me] Creating my own stuff. Thinking up new ways to do things.
[Grown-up Me]  What's stopping you from doing it now?
[Me] um.... well, I need to learn some new things.
[Grown-up Me]  What's stopping you from doing it now?
[Me] um....

And there you have it.... or, at least as much of the plan as I'll share right now. I have a clearly defined sport goal and I have a clearly defined work goal. I have no doubt about any of it. I am completely at peace with the direction I'm going. ... and thanks for reading all the way to the end... of THIS chapter.